I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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