dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
