I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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