The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
