I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
