Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
