Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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