if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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