apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wish there were birth control emojis
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
