My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
