I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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