Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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