I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
