You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
