So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
