Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
