Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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