i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
