i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
