How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
