sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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