Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
