Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
