I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
