His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
40s are totally the cure
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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