my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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