My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
