8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
