If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I could have mohawked her pubes.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
