We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
