everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
