then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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