The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
