I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
