I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
