don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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