Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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