Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
