You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
