Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
