i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
