Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
