he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
