On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
