my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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