Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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