She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
