dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
