Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
