believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love you.
Bad choice
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